Beverly Jean.

December 8, 2010

When I think about death I think primarily of the living. I don't know if this makes me seem cold or emotionless or if it is a transformation of thought that allows me to ignore reality.

Because yesterday was your death date. And it came for me a bit unexpected. The last time we heard your voice, we all thought you were doing fine. It exuded joy, happiness, and every bit of normality as possible. It was beautiful, and a beautiful last thought to hold on to forever within.

You were nothing less than loved and I hope the strength you've exhibited in this life will remain here with the ones who loved you. Your mother. Your daughter. Your sisters. Your... family.

Please Beverly Jean you have to leave it here. You have to leave everyone your strength. For a mother to lose her first born child, the first joy she's ever known. For a daughter to lose her world, because you carried it for her on your shoulders. For younger sisters to lose the first person they looked up to. For a husband to lose his one true love.

... needless to say ... it's hard. I hope they can carry with them the same strength that you have so that when you look down upon us you are not filled with sadness looking at sad people during sad times. Give them your spirit of strength so that the warmth you placed around us and within us will always remain.

For we are happier now that you are free of a cancerous burden and walking hand in hand with your father. Daddy's girl. But we are sadder because we have lost our Beverly Jean.

I'm sure you've heard it before.

Wow? Two post in one month? I know, amazing...

Happiness is funny.

The things that used to make us happy. The things that gave us the greatest joy. Suddenly become the things that you can live without.

On the outside - it looks like my life is the worst it has ever been. No job. No love life. No anything. On the outside, it looks like I'm struggling. But ironically, I feel like I have more clarity now than I ever did when I was working dead end jobs. When I was staying up all night to finish college. When I thought the love of my life was right next door.

Now that my life is a blank canvas I have the opportunity to begin again and create anything I want. And guess what? I LOVE IT!

There's so many things that disrupt my peace. That disrupt my well-being. And even though they are still in my life, I'm in transition. I know what they are; I know who they are. And I'm making progressive steps for my peace of my mind. It may not be an easy road, but I will get there.

Happiness. It's a journey and you have to work towards it every day.

Today is my day. My day is everyday- and no one is going to get in the way of my happiness.

That's a promise.

float on.

I forgot how good it feels to write, to release the emotions running through your head on a daily basis. The ink to pen sensation is somewhat lost among the click of the keyboard, but all the while, the mental liberation still remains...

All the years of my life, I have never been much of a Winter person. A lot of it has to due with fashion and my iron levels. Up until now, the flip flops and skirts that frequent the Summer have always gained my attention over stuffy jackets and finger restricting gloves. But not this season. This season, I have engulfed myself in layers upon layers. Seeing how many different ways you can layer a single item satisfies my creativity a lot more than any of my feather light Summer dresses.

Summer also became my favorite season simply because of the sky high temperatures. Rather thin, my body tends to get cold easily. But this Winter, I called myself "training" my body. I wore stockings and skirts and told my body to deal with it. I am not sure if it worked but I am certain of one thing - I love Winter.

It's set to rain every day this week and I am looking forward to it. The sun was shining a lot the past two weeks and the sight of any Winter disappeared. As long as I remain indoors and don't get caught in any storm, I should be in a good mood all week.

The sounds of raindrops on the windowpane. Watching the last of the rain drop from the rooftops. Sky high boots splashing through puddles. The warmth of the heater after coming in from the crisp cold outdoors. Layers of scarves entangled on necks. Curled up in a blanket while eating warm soup.

What's not to LOVE...? While it may not be warm outside, there is a lot of warmth in Winter. It's just a bit different and magical.

p.s. Don't be surprised if come Summer months I have the urge describe how it really is my favorite season. But that's okay. There's always enough love to go around.